Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Scammed by a hottie

Men are, at the best of times, sad and pathetic. Which is possibly part of our charm. I mean, we are broad brushstrokes of thick outdoor paint to the delicate touches of an artist's brush on a painting of a dreamy tuscan afternoon, that are most women. To add to the confusion, men are utterly mezmerized by women. I mean, to a degree where we can sometimes be incapable of speaking or thinking or speaking AND thinking. And all women, with varying degrees of awareness, are cognescent of this power that they hold, so much so that one of the biggest ways you can insult a woman is not to acknowledge her presence or, worse, treat her as one of the guys. That's the magic of attraction between the sexes.

Bearing all this in mind, I was messing around on a dating website (which shall remain nameless), window-shopping as it were, when a gorgeous woman sent me an IM. I mean, this chick was hot, hot, hot and way out of my league. The kind of woman who could be staring right at me, and not even see me. And I would understand.

Thinking she probably has me confused with somebody else, I allow myself to be chatted up and she seems really into me. We chat for about half an hour and she seems to find everything I type to be wit of the highest order. I begin to believe my own hype and we flirt for a few more minutes before she announces she has to go to bed, but she'd really like us to "talk" again. I say sure and we leave it at that.

Having been baited with cheese, I venture back into the mousetrap, around the same time the next day. She's not there...but there's a message from her that says "Thought you might like the song "Sexy Bitch" by Buckcherry. It's soooooo hot". I puzzle over this cryptic message and wonder why she'd think I'd enjoy it over, say, the Romanian Palace Guard's Christmas album. I mean, we didn't discuss music at all.

I shrug, and like a cult-member who's drunk as much Kool-Aid as was offered to him, I head off to iTunes and download said song. I listen to it and aside from having some frat-boyishly suggestive lyrics, I fail to see what it was that's so hot about it. I did know what's hot, though: her. And the next day, I went back...and found a variation of the message, only this time suggesting I listen to a song called "Kiss on the lips" by a band called Hinder-something-or-other. This time, I head to Limewire to try and download it for free. It's there, but every version I download isn't working or is just empty noise. Scratching my head like the Neandrethal that I am, I head of iTunes and download the song from there.

Again, nothing to write home about. If I was a chick at my apartment, in a revealing black dress, comfortably ensconced on my couch and giving me the signals, and I heard this song, I'd put on a sweater. It was cheese to the nth degree.

Of course, you probably guessed where this is going. It didn't take a genius (or a moron like me to figure out what the murphy game was: this woman was a saleswoman for one of the music labels. She gets on dating websites, picks out young men of dubious aesthetic appeal, showers them with virtual attention and then, when he's abused himself silly to the thought of bagging this sensual creature (masturbation, in this case, takes on a a different function: when we meet a hot chick, we treat it as we would winning the lottery; jerking off is the equivalent of taking out a loan and going on a spending spree, until the lottery check comes through), she peddles her MP3 wares. 99 cents did seem a small price to pay to make this girl think I was listening to her.

Of course it's embarrassing. But embarrassment, like anything else, is something you grow accustomed to. And nobody is more used to social humiliation on all levels, than me. And besides, my shame is the shame of all men and I can't really feel bad for seeing a pretty girl, allowing her to clean me out ($1.98, but it's the principle) under the promise of getting in her pants.

I'm a man, and we is weak and stoopid.


Anonymous tom said...

Seems like a lot of work for 99 cents unless she msg'd hundreds of people.

3:29 AM  
Anonymous izzi said...

first of all, the pic of the naked girl on the post, she is Not Hot!
second of all, "dubious aesthetic appeal" why do you say that you look pretty cute on your display pic!
third of all, guys need to think with their head rather than their ehm.
we want more posts like this one!

6:30 AM  
Blogger Amnesiac said...


Sure many men are rendered inarticulate and silly by bits of a woman which come in pairs, and this is generally a weakness when, while under the spell, they - for example - sign over their wills to the lady in question, temporarily leave their wives, sell their children etc.
That said, I still think that men have the upper hand in all this attraction insanity because the spell they fall under does originate in the trouser department and is generally of a transitory nature, ending once nooky has been had. Women on the other hand GENERALLY SPEAKING have the unfortunate tendency to fall in love and, more importantly, don’t know how to un-fall out of love when the man starts treating them like a shoe once the spell has ended.
Of course they tell me that male and female desires and needs do occasionally coincide in the form of that rare beast the Happy and Fulfilling Long Term Relationship.

8:05 AM  
Blogger Basil Fawlty said...

Tom: once the "client meeting" has taken place (15-20 minutes tops), all you ever get from her are messages "follow-up sales calls" which could be automatically generated. If she nets five songs out of one person, that's a good day, not to mention the buzz of me telling my friends about the songs that hot chicks listen to.

Izzi: Really? She looks good to me...perhaps it's the nudity:) The "dubious aesthetic appeal" comment was clearly a joke. I mean, I'm stunning...:) As for the what-to-think-with comment, we can't help it: we just follow the sudden rush of blood!

Amnesiac: the key, I think, is to know what your product is. Men know it's our dopey presence and humor and show-off factor to your friends. Women know it's their sex appeal and ability to organize any aspect of our life, through sheer will power. Think of it as a hostage exchange: you meet on a bridge and exchange the exact number of hostages whilst never turning your back on the other person:)

9:54 AM  
Anonymous zoss said...

In these situations, I'm reminded of the Robin Williams line: "God gave man a brain and an [ehm], and only enough blood to work one at a time."

Men are, at the best of times, sad and pathetic. Which is possibly part of our charm.
How does this work again?

11:46 PM  
Blogger Cairogal said...

Basil, I've just turned off Dr. Phil (the show, not the actual man, though I might turn the man off, too, given the chance). He was interviewing women who had fallen in love with their Nigerian scammers, and had consquently sent these men loads of money to help with their bills. Dr. Phil helped these women see how gullible they had been. Do I see a male-counterpart show in the future?

12:20 AM  
Blogger Basil Fawlty said...

Zoss: we're helpless and will do anything to attract a woman's attention. It's also a testament to how utterly simple we are: like an amoeba responding to light. Woman shows interest, we dance like monkeys.

Or we pretend we didn't notice, to make ourselves stand out from the other dancing monkeys.

Or maybeall this is just me.

12:23 AM  
Blogger Basil Fawlty said...

CairoGal: I was at a party and this girl told me she was planning on giving up sex.

I said I was planning the same thing.

"You're giving sex?" she asked, incredulously.

"No, just buying drinks" I said. "Which is pretty much the same thing".

My point is, with all the money I saved from now buying drinks, I can probably afford to spend 99 cents on a girl at iTunes:)

12:34 AM  
Anonymous Tom said...

At least this scam proves you are still interested in girls and desire sex. It's a normal and healthy male response.
What's the alternative? Not finding pleasure in the company of an attractive girl?

5:33 AM  
Blogger Basil Fawlty said...

Oh, there was never any doubt about that, Tom!

9:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

from what u told me, i think you're doing pretty well for youself woman-wise. that said, if you'd only look for a regularly attractive female instead of a super hot one, u'd be getting more.

that woman's breasts are scary.

9:19 PM  
Blogger Basil Fawlty said...

Forsooth: I admire super-hot women but I'm attracted to anyone I find attractive, she doesn't have to be super-hot. I'm attracted to plenty of women because of their personalities, their senses of humor and so forth.

Scary good, you mean, right? They're unbelievable..

She's the wife of a famous photographer and this series is called "Luba on the Beach" (you can google it on google images-make sure the safesearch is off).

9:32 PM  
Blogger Cairogal said...

"that woman's breasts are scary."

They're pendulum-like.

9:44 PM  
Blogger Twosret said...

I need to adopt you as I don't have boys :)

10:40 PM  
Blogger Basil Fawlty said...

I still don't know what any of that means, ladies: scary...pendulum-like...does that mean you think they're GOOD or BAD?

10:43 PM  
Blogger Basil Fawlty said...

Twosret: my mother always said she had no labor pain with me...the pain began sixteen years later:)

10:46 PM  
Anonymous Tom said...

Can a woman really figure out what men see as "HOT?"

If you find her attractive that's all there is to it.

As a bonus it looks like her breasts are real.

3:30 AM  
Blogger Carmen said...

I think her breasts are superb...

2:42 PM  
Blogger Twosret said...

As Tom said clearly I guess women can't speak for men but I think the bones showing this way are not attractive at all.

1:29 AM  

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