World Cup Fever!

I can't wait for the World Cup! Just to prove that I'm not the only person who's mad about football, check out this stream of consciousness from the Guardian, which includes (but isn't limited to) World Cup favorite memories, behind-the-scenes at the 2006 World Cup Draw and the promise of the England team.

A little preview. The fact that the bottom two groups comprise non-European countries (except Serbia & Montenegro, who can't be drawn in a European seed's group anyway) mean that we should avoid the fearful groups of death of yesteryear, like Germany (when they were West Germany), Scotland (when they weren't crap), Uruguay (when they didn't have to play off against Australia) and Denmark (when they were put as fourth seeds even though they were dead, dead good) or the Argentina/England/Sweden/Nigeria offering in 2002.

But if the group of death is, erm, dead, there could still be a group of maimage: barring a surreal cock-up in which Sven is drawn alongside Faria Alam, Ulrika Jonsson and Jo Brand, the general consensus is that England/Holland/US of A/Australia is as bad as it could get (and isn't it ironic, don't ya think, that an England manager was saying we don't want the USA and Australia. Who'da thunk that 15 years ago?). As good as it gets? Pretty naff film, I agree, but England/Switzerland/Angola/Trinidad & Tobago would precipitate Sven laughing all the way to the second round like Montgomery Burns on poppers.

Why the first round is brill I love the first round of the World Cup. It's brill. Which is why tonight should be quite good, and why you should emphatically not do one to the pub and start quaffing the necessary. The first round is the romantic bit of the World Cup, the memorable bit where new stars shine (or, in the case of my personal hero Benjamin Massing in 1990, kick lumps out of everything that moves) before it gets all serious and boring and familiar. Think Madjer and Belloumi doing the Germans in 1982; Gerry Armstrong conquering Spain; Josimar and Michael Laudrup in 1986; that Costa Rica keeper and the conveyor belt of Harvard-educated left feet in the Czechoslovakian midfield in Italy four years later; Benjamin Massing and Roger Milla; Saeed Al-Owairan and Robby Baggio being subbed inside half an hour and Yekini and Okocha in the Brit-free 1994 finals; Adrian Ilie (whatever happened to him?) and that South African donkey Issa who scored two own goals against France in 1998; Papa Bouba Diop and that Uruguayan goal when it didn't touch the floor from a corner, not to mention Saudi Arabia pluckily losing 8-0 to Germany last time out. Dead exciting.

Klum to daddy, etc No more naff Heidi Klum jokes please. Yes, she's beautiful; yes we'd all like to draw her out of our pot; yes she can play with our balls any time. But come on, it's not like we all live dismal, sheltered lives with our PCs, Warhammer games and HBO boxsets and have never seen, let alone spoken to, a beautiful woman in our lives, eh? Eh? Oh yeah.

An email "Seeing as the manager has already confessed that the mighty Socceroos could be a bit of a problem, does it matter which teams are drawn to beat England?" says Shane. I'm intrigued to see who England will be scheduled to meet in the quarters, as we know full well that's where they're going out. On penalties. We wuz robbed. United player lynched by the media. Foreign students lynched by the Hackett Army. It's so depressing that I don't know why we all bother, really.

7.15pm The preliminaries have started, but I don't think a ball will actually be drawn, either in anger of ecstacy, for another hour or so. So in the meantime, send in your favourite obscure World Cup memories! Go on! It'll be average! "Dear Rob Smyth," begins Paula Willow. "And why, exactly, are you handling the draw instead of Barry Glendenning? My understanding is that he is your superior and should handle all the glamorous reporting." You've answered your own question. It's Friday night, 7.15pm, and all around London there is glamorous swigging of headache-inducing liquids, the prelude to an evening of loose morals and even looser bowels. I know where I'd rather be.

7.30pm "How do you tell American friends that they don't have a hope in hell of reaching the group of 16 unless they draw two other teams who can't score either?" asks Corey Atkinson. You're not related to Corey Feldman are you? Whatever happened to him? Anyway, back to the question: over here, where we call it the last 16, there's a touching little ditty sung by football fans along the lines of: "Eff all/You're gonna win eff all".

7.45pm Nothing has happened, and I'm currently looking at that handsome, modest young manager David O'Leary talking about something or other. "Poland must be the one participating country where the national TV networks are too tight to pay to show the draw live," grrrrrs Matthew Lythgoe. "Instead we have a "live reconstruction" about 15 minutes after it finishes, maybe with Franz Beckenbauer played by the bloke from Lovejoy and Heidi Klum played by Joanna Lumley."

8pm Nearly there. Ooh it's dead exciting this. "'An evening of loose morals and even looser bowels'," begins Paula Willow. "Oooh! Exciting! Where can I find Barry!? Tonight might just be his lucky night." Don't know, but you can call him on 07733 363***. All the threes.

What's happening "For those of us without a television, can you provide some description of what is going on?" says Michael Glover. " I'm imagining a Broadway/West End musical with Sven, in a tuxedo, singing a ballad accompanied by high-kicking FIFA girls. How far off am I?" And I'm watching that uniquely slappable blond nugget from Love Actually in an advert for BT Broadband.

Teenage World Cup memories, sponsored by Oxycute and Kleenex (the best bit of which is how many you've got wrong - Hagi v USA (it was Colombia!), Scotland v Zaire. You know who you are, and I know where you live)

Rob Murray: "Benjamin Massing's clearing kick on Argentina's Claudio Caniggia after two of his countryman had failed to bring down the Patagonian ponce with similarly dubious tackles counts as one of my highlights too. Let's not forget the almost physically impossible headbutt from Ariel Ortega on Edwin van der Sar ... it was like watching a Jack Russell trying to mount an Irish wolfhound - and just as ineffective."

Darren Kilfara: "Watching USA '94 in America, we had Ian Darke (of Sky Sports) as one of our announcers on ESPN television. In the group stage, Colombia played Romania, and Tino Asprilla missed a sitter or something, and Darke bellowed that Asprilla was experiencing "an orgy of self-recrimination", which is the first and last time I expect to hear that phrase spoken out loud."

Mathew Rutherford: "Scary boggle-eyed Sicilian Hit man Toto "Loco" Scillaci scoring with a sumptuous chip against Uruguay then celebrating by running about endlessly until collapsing, exhausted." You call that a chip? It was going at about 90 FMPH!

Jeremy Mooney: "It has to be Brazil v Zaire in 1974. Brazil line up a free kick, 25 yards out. Ref blows the whistle and Mwepu Ilunga of Zaire (ok.. I googled for it) breaks out of the wall and toe punts the ball 50 yards up the pitch - to the absolute bemusement of everyone watching. Priceless!"

Mark O'Neil: "For sheer comedy value RTE's coverage of the 1990 Frank Rijkaard/ Rudi Voeller spitting incident takes the biscuit. BBC or ITV were self righteously condemning all things spit related while good old Radio Teilifis Eireann were busy hamming it up, even using the trusty Stop It There! machine to highlight the areas of Voeller's perm that Frankie should have been aiming at. Dunphy at his best." Danny Kearns: "John Aldridge & big Jack swearing and threatening everyone during Ireland's 2-1 loss to Mexico in 1994 - the expletives were marvellous."

Tim Horsburgh: "There's always Diana Ross missing that penalty and the goal falling apart in the '94 opening ceremony."

Luke Tuffin: "That lovely match between Austria and Germany in 1982 - I recall the Guardian's account as 'After you Wolfgang, no after you Bruno' when someone scored with his knee at the beginning meaning the Algerians were knocked out."

Brett Henriksen: "Denilson. Ever present in Nike's World cup ads, this "most expensive footballer" is surely one of the most expensive flops in history (outside of Manchester)." I presume that's a reference to Steve Daley.

Steve Dahlgren: "Claudio Canigga's sole contribution to the Argentinean 2002 Japanorea campaign: Red carded from the bench! Second best memory from 2002 is the trouble that players had with the Nike two layer jersey. After Demarcus Beasley took his off to celebrate he actually got a touch while shirtless and Jeff Agoos looked over at him and looked for a moment as if he was contemplating putting the ball out of play so Beasley could get some assistance."

Emma Caddy!!!!!!!!!: "The US losing to Iran (it was Iran right??? I bloody well think it was) in 1998! That rocked!!!!!!! I had a party of US haters and one American at my place in Vancouver to watch it, and boy did we spew venom on the poor undeserving Appalachian hick when they lost.... he's probably still traumatized today!!!"

Miguel Baptista: "Italia 90 (Czechoslovakia vs. Costa Rica): Cameras zoom in on Cesky Brod colossus Tomas Skuhravy, scorer of a hat-trick, who, like any decent footballer, fancies every televised moment as a good moment for a spit. Unable to completely rid himself of the projected substance, however, he delights viewers at home with a thread of phlegm hanging from his mouth and chin, illuminated by the floodlights, for a good 5 seconds. In Portugal, there was stunned silence from the commentary crew. My mom was appalled."

8.10pm I promise you this will start soon, but for now I haven't had a glimpse of Leipzig, let alone the comedy incident many of you have reported in which Franz Beckenbauer apparently lumbered in for a cheeky peck with Ms Klum only to be invited to talk to the metaphorical hand. "Corey Feldman," begins Colin McCracken. "Did he not have some sort of child-star breakdown, and end up marrying a porn star, with MC Hammer performing the service, on an American reality show?" Anyway - he can do what he likes: Gremlins, The Goonies, The Lost Boys, Stand By Me, and all 3 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies (as the voice of Donatello). Few, if any actors of the 80s can match this run." Except Coronation Street heart-throb Michael Le Vell, of course.

Gary Lineker says something (that could be considered) pervy! "The sight of Heidi Klum looking after our balls should fill us all with anticipation." He said it, and then he did it again with another gratuitous Klum reference! Grow up! It really is bizarre and embarrassing what beautiful women do to men. I was on a bus today that was stuck in traffic when some attractive lass gently pottered up and tapped on the door. If that had been a man or an unattractive lass, or even me, the bus driver would have carried on, followed the rules, but no: door open, all aboard. What did he think she was going to do apart from click her Oyster card? Ask for his number? Tell him she'd always wanted to go out with a bus driver, preferably a fat, bald one? I mean for fugg-sa!