Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The Battle Against Middle Earth

I'm beginning to become irked by Tolkien fans. They have an attitude problem and tend to look down on people who have the same affinity to other imaginary worlds, say Trekkies or Matrix-lovers. What really, really pisses me off about them is that they think that Tolkien is a cultural work while all the others are just pop culture.

Let me tell you one thing about Tolkien. Actually, a few things:

1. Tolkien is a boring piece of shit. The Hobbit was half-way tolerable and kind of sweet, but the story really didn't deliver a lot of dramatic punch. I mean, Smaug was killed by someone else other than Bilbo and his crew. That's like reading a Sherlock Holmes mystery and having Lestrade solve the crime. What gives?
2. Tom Bombadil. If you've only seen the movie, you won't know who Tom FUCKING Bombadil is. In short, he is a pointless character that sings in the Lord of the Rings books. He's an excuse for Tolkien to write poetry. A character installed to add emotional gravitas to the world of Middle-Earth. He should be licensed by Ambien.
3. Singing Elves. KILL ME ALREADY. At least, when the Oompa-Loompas did it, they were FUNNY.

Want to read an exciting, epic journey of good versus bad set in a mythical world rich with emotion, adventure and purpose? Read the Belgariad (five books) By David Eddings. It is TEN times the story that Lord of the Rings is.

Want to love Trekkies? Watch the documentary about them called 'Trekkies'. It makes their humanity really shine through.

And for the record, only the first Matrix was any good (it was a gem, actually). Reloaded was pretty bad and Revolutions was embarrassing. And Star Wars sucked ass as well. And yes, I do mean the first three (alright...episodes IV through VI...grrrrr). Star Wars had no story and and Return of the Jedi was okay. Empire Strikes Back was dope...but one movie, a great series does not make. As for, the new ones, nigga puh-lease!

Oh, and Spiderman SUCKS. I get it, he's insecure. He's tortured. He's all-American. Now shut the fuck up, write a decent story and fight some non-hokey criminals while you're at it. And Batman is dark. Stop telling me the new movie is 'darker'. I get it. I didn't mind him when he had bat girl, bat woman, bat dog, bat lizard and bat bat running around with him, in all those campy adventures, so telling me he's gone all dark and twisted isn't going to make me buy him more.

Why haven't the studios made 'Watchmen' and 'The Belgariad' into movies? Watch Jay Mohr's 'Action!' and you'll find out why.


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