Judging nations based on their porn

I form a lot of my opinions on different countries/ nations by the kind of porn they produce (or, in Egypt's case, the kind of porn they don't produce). It's a very revealing (har, har) window into the colllective freudian psyche that we all carry around with us, all the time. Here's a quick guide to porn from all over the world:

Germans: unaffected, highly-glammed up, perfunctory, with subtle S&M undertones. The men usually look quite paunchy and too hairy while the women are attractive, if a tad grungy.

French: fluffy, breezy, playful and always personal. The men look like tools, the women always look fresh and great.

Swedish: confident, enthusiastic and I've never seen women with a bigger smile on their face. The men look ok while the women look tight and have harsh features.

English: bawdy, naughty and ever so slightly embarrassed. The funny thing about English porn is that the men are always cast as low class cads with thick cockney accents while the women are usually unsophisticated northern types with heavy northern brogues.

Spanish: Definitely very passionate, lots of sneering, great bodies but lots of spitting and talking. The men always seem to be smaller than the women (weight, height, you name it).

Italians: Dashing is the best way I can describe it. They know what they're doing and they don't waste time before they get down to business. Lots of talking, which is interesting. Both the men and the women look great. The late 1970s/ early 1980s produced some of the best Italian porn around.

Americans: emphasis on size, strong detachment from the act, very performance-oriented which makes it feel kind of fake. Oh, and the misogyny is kind of hard to miss.

Slavic/ Russian: Highly, highly glamorous. The women are absolutely stunning and more experimental, with tons of anal, ATM, DP etc. Most of the girls look like they just turned 18, which suggests a lot of girls who turn to porn. It's very clearly a business and the women look like they just clocked in for their 8-hour shift.

Japanese: repressed, strong emphasis on bondage and objectifying women, heavy school-girl role playing aspect, heavy interest in sadism. It's very weird and almost always hinges on the woman being in some kind of distress and/ or discomfort. Not that there's anything wrong with any of that...just that I find it slightly disturbing and not at all my cup of tea.

In case you're wondering, my favorites are Swedish and French.