Easily one of the ugliest days of the year for me. For the most part, I seem to have put the Sara thing in some kind of context, sort of talked myself down from the ledge of despair, if you like. I know the right things to say to myself, believing them is a different story. A sample of some of the inane shit I've been feeding myself:
1. I'm better off. No one deserves to be with someone who doesn't value them..that's what marriage is for.
2. She may have had her own issues, which may have prompted this. There's a world outside of me, you know.
3. Most of the hurt is to the pride, most of the damage to my confidence. Pride isn't that big a deal and as for confidence, I never really had any to begin with.
4. In a few weeks, this will be a distant, throbbing memory.
5. Your choice of life. It comes with the territory.
6. I never embarrassed myself with her. I didn't say any gay shit. I was cool as the other side of the pillow. I played the game the way it should be played. She was the one who folded.
I told you, it was weak shit. I'm upset and no amount of bargaining with myself will alter that. It's got to run it's course and what I don't like about myself, will be there whether or not she's there.
Welcome to the dating life of adults. It sucks donkey balls.
Funny thing is, I remembered something (actually, my co-worker David Cohen reminded me), when she showed up yesterday, we were playing pool and I had been having a horrible game. The moment she showed up, I became Minnesota Fats and was drilling them like some pool-house shark. I looked good out there and she commented about how good I was.
I told you I only had weak shit to make myself feel better.
I'm down. I feel old and tired and pretty pointless, right now. I want to fast forward the first three months of this new year.
The challenge is not to fuck up all the good things I've done, by doing something stupid. Just because I want the pain to go away quickly. Pain is good for you.
It makes very useful filling for stupid blogs like this one.