Celibacy and Glumminess
Regular readers of this blog won't believe me when I say I don't really suffer from depression. Not in the strictest sense of the word. I mean, I do get depressed and it does get pretty bleak...but there's always a reason for it: I get bored very easily, I'm not content with how slowly life unfolds, I'm impatient with the interminable pauses that interrupt important events that happen every so often and I'm really disappointed with my own limitations and the limitations of those around me.
Also, depression doesn't feel like the right word. I don't get paralyzed...at least, my mind doesn't. It races when I get depressed. Also, I don't get surprised by surges in sadness anymore; depression doesn't take me by surprise.
If anything, I'm pretty even-keeled about my unhappiness. Sort of constantly lugubrious....or glum. That's it. I'm glum. I suffer from chronic glumness. Manic-glumness.
Anyways, today I saw the postcard above and it kind of glummed me. Not because it's glummy, it's not at all; it's uplifting and fresh. It's by an artist called Kit Keith who used to be a trapeze artist (no joke). I got to know (of) her through my co-worker, who manages her.
THAT'S what glummed me. The fact that my co-worker not only has a life outside the dreary confines of the medical communications world, but that this life was rich and alive and vibrant and expressive. A life that unveil artists like Kit Keith, who used to be a trapeze artist. A life driven by a passion that I seem to have misplaced, over the years. A life that has enough room for the purpose, the drive and passion to run a gallery in upstate New York.
Maybe that's the root of my problems. My inability to express myself in a way that makes me happy.
A while back I mentioned I was planning to be celibate all through 2007. And so far I have been, and it hasn't been that difficult either. I mean, I'm horny as all hell but it's not like I've turned anyone down. It's easy, really: stop going to happy hours, stop exercising, stop online dating and just give in to the glumness.
Forty five days into the new year and even I don't want to sleep with me. And it's making me miserable. Because sex is a kind of expression, also, and what I'm actually doing is closing myself off. From the world and from myself.
My problem is a lack of expression. An overload of repression. A clinic of suppression.
I need more. Pretty badly. And soon. The works: passion, fulfillment and sex. What I need, I ain't getting in this town. I think it's time to move on.
Really and truly.
posted by Basil Epicurus at 10:35 PM
2 Comments:
I was having a hard time this past year (and so far this year) as bad things kept happening to me. I guess I was stuck in a rut. I figure, I had to change what I was doing, or at least some of the things I was doing. Rather than sitting here on the net, for so many hours, I started going to the gym, going for a walk... etc. It does help a bit. And on weekends, I've added to my social life a bit. I met a group of Egyptian guys here about a month back that love to just hang out. They were completely shocked to find a white girl in Korea that could speak a little bit of Egyptian Arabic. :D
I'm still trying to figure out some more things, though, as I still feel a bit blah about everything. I guess I'm saying in some ways, I know what you're saying.
Oh... and I was actually going to ask you about that new year's resolution to be celibate that you made a while back. Now I don't have to.
Sometimes change can be a great thing.
Egyptians in Korea? I bet they're of inferior quality to the Egyptians in Japan...:) Little Egyptian joke there. Wow, those Egyptians will go anywhere. I recently discovered there's an Egyptian community in Alaska: they moved there because they heard there was some good fishing to be had, couldn't figure out the permit system so decided to drive cabs instead.
What did you want to know about the celibacy thing? I decided to do it because I was concerned that I was expending too much energy trying to get laid. Now I'm realizing that a certain amount of energy needs to go towards that, otherwise your shit just shuts down.
I guess I'm back, whatever that means. The joke is that celibacy for guys isn't always an option:)
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