The Boozy, Coked-up Rumination

The bottom line is I think I'm a horrible person and I truly, truly wish I was dead. Or, to be more accurate, I wish I'd never been born. It's not that I don't appreciate life or enjoy it, with it's ebbs and flows, but my inability to make my mother happy is proving more distressful than I could ever have imagined.

The quandry lies in the fact that my insistence on resisting her, has not resulted in any happiness for me. In other words, she makes me miserable by asking for things that will make me more miserable. And yet shutting her out has not made me a happy person and I can't shake the feeling that it's either a punishment (akin to a curse that she cast on me) or a sign that I'm wrong to pursue my own journey for happiness. That there is no happiness or, there is happiness but not for everyone.

These possibilities are horrifying to me, but not as horrifying as the reality of my present-day emotional being: paralyzed, hopeless, afraid and always, always alone.

I've blogged at length about my futility at developing stable, continuous relationships that blossom into something meaningful and, at least in potential, with a sense of long-term potential. I lack the ability to bond with people on any meaningful level because I'm convinced of my inability to bond with people, due to my track record of not being able to bond with some of the most important people in my life.

I am the zenith of negativity when it comes to developing relationships which, in turn, sabotages all my attempts at relationships. What has previously baffled me, and others, is how this self-sabotaging, 'relationship' persona squares with my normal, non-relationship personality: optimistic, cheery, friendly, generous, open-hearted and care-free.

I'm stuck, as I usually am at this point. I'm 35 years old and I don't know anymore now about how to deal wth this than I did ten, fifteen years ago. I've gained years and lost optimism.

I think I am a loser and I'm not saying this in a pejorative way. I'm using the term to accurately describe someone who loses, as he gets older. Because while I know how to deal with anything, I don't know how to build anything.