Sunday, July 08, 2007

The Emotional Ape


Part of the problem is that I agree with everyone. Maybe agree isn't exactly the right word..its more like 'assume as a starting point that you have your opinion and I have mine and while they may never coincide, I don't think they need to'. A direct consequence of this is that I won't try and dissuade you.

It becomes problematic in, say, a romantic setting where the intensity of disagreement is seen as a reliable guage for the intensity of feeling: as angry as I get with you is roughly proportionate to how much I love you. If you don't fight for me, you don't care about me.

Now, being allergic to all forms of conflict (at least, within relationships), this has been a difficult concept for me to grasp. And once I grasped it, it became difficult for me to accept. And once acceptance set in, it was difficult for me to implement. Which makes me seem stoic, under-whelming and half-hearted. Which causes people to think I don't care about them.

Well, I care. And I believe that life has a natural flow that you shouldn't force, I say shouldn't, because that would be futile. Opportunities come and relationships go and the ones that are meant to be, will stick. And if someone no longer wants their fate intertwined with yours, well who are you to say they're not right?

As you get older, you become selfish. More selfish, I should say. Opportunity after wasted opportunity accumulate like laundry, weighing down on your ever-worrying mind, causing you to doubt your lack of fight and question your laissez-faire attitude towards the conveyor belt of circumstances that life has sent your way. The luxury of letting people go, unpersuaded, becomes harder to accept as more and more people depart from your life and less and less proof of, shall we say, that a natural order governs the world we live in.

I guess you could call this a loss of faith. And the remarkable thing is that I see the intellectual need for faith, that gaping chasm between the molehill of things we can explain and the mountain of things we have no clue about. I understand its importance, its relevance despite years of observing the failures of religion and hours of reading Sam Elliot, Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens. I see it in my head but I can't get my heart to buy into it. My passion, if you will, which we've already established isn't the strongest furnace around.

Yes, I'm an emotional person. How I feel is infinitely more important to me than what I think and consequently, how other people feel is important to me as well. Which is why whether I think they're making a mistake is irrelevant compared to trying to get them to change their feelings. Feelings are precious to me.

Right now, I feel like a noose is being tightened around my neck.

I've never had the greatest faith in time's ability to move forward. I wake up on a Saturday and cannot conceive how I'll make it to Sunday. I leave New York in less than a month and I can't fathom how I'll survive four weeks with four interminable weekends attached to them. I sit at my desk at 9am and wonder how on earth I ever made it through a working day before. I go to bed at night and...insomnia.

Ok, so I smoke more weed than I should, drink more wine alone than is socially acceptable and have been known to pop a pill or two, when they've been available. The truth is, they're nowhere near enough. If it were up to me, I'd be pissed at night and drugged up during the day or vice versa. I just can't bear this dreadful stillness of time and purpose. I'm in New York and its not where I think I need to be, so why even bother?

Don't answer that. Rhetorical. I know, I know, the value of every moment, who knows how long we've got on this earth, make the most of every waking minute.

See? I know this in my head. I just can't feel it.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Lynn said...

Maybe you need to cut out the wine and the pills and just stick to weed? Not that I think that would make you any easier to understand. :)

You see an intellectual need for faith? In religion?

Do you think you are taking life to seriously or not seriously enough?

11:51 AM  
Blogger Basil Fawlty said...

Uhhh...no, I like the wine and the pills. Besides, I'm very easy to understand, it just may not be coming across from my blog (probably deliberately so, since these entries are just me venting, not describing myself).

I didn't say there was an intellectual need for faith, merely that I could see it. Why it's important. And certainly not religion (or the organized form of it)..just on the personal side. A belief that things follow rules and that the universe isn't specifically going out of its way to fuck with you.

I think I take it seriously enough, which is not too seriously. When it comes to thinking about life though...that's another story.

And one last thing: this site is called RAMBLEfish...rambling is what I do:)

3:51 PM  
Blogger Basil Fawlty said...

And by the way, I can barely remember putting this post together. Which is great, because I sound insufferable!

3:51 PM  
Anonymous Lynn said...

"I didn't say there was an intellectual need for faith, merely that I could see it"

Ok, so now you are seeing things that are not there?

I understand that you are RAMBLEfish. Mind, I wasn't complaining about not being able to understand you. I just wish I could so that I might be able to give you some tips to help make you happier. But then, I don't think that you ARE unhappy. I think that you think you are supposed to be feeling or doing something because it is the 'norm' but you are OK with it which causes you concern at times? Then again, maybe I don't have a friggin clue what you are talking about. As far as sicking to weed only, it just seems that that makes one wonder about 'what's life about' but not usually in a sad way. More like in a giggly, happy kinda way. As a matter of fact, maybe I should go do some of that now.

10:36 PM  
Blogger Basil Fawlty said...

You totally should do some now. It relaxes me like nothing else but doesn't necessarily make me sleepy. Wine and some pills make me sleepy, which is why I like them.

I'm not at unhappy person at all (you're right) but I am a reflective one. I wish I wasn't but I have plenty of time on my hands.

As for the faith issue, I meant that there isn't an intellectual need for faith that EVERYONE has. A lot of people don't have it or need it--but I do: faith in something bigger, faith that things work out. That kind of thing.

When I said I see it, I meant that its true for me but not necessarily for everyone else.

10:42 PM  
Anonymous Lynn said...

I think that things do work out. I don't necessarily believe that there is some 'higher power' out there making it work though. I think that WE are the higher power. Kind of like "God helps those who help themselves".

In another post you posted a pic of the book "God Without Religion" Did you read that book? I bought that book recently. If you haven't read it you might want to.

I wonder if maybe doing some charity work would make you feel better about life and what it's all about. Maybe something for Habitat for Humanity or another organization that is helping to rebuild for people effected by Katrina?

As far as relationships go. If it is right and what you want it is easy. You just have to be out there in order to come across her she isn't going to come knocking on your door one day. Unless of course your Mom sends her.

9:15 AM  

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