Top Five Assurances...

...I would probably have to give David Cole before he'd consent to letting me post his picture on my site. The truth is, I never wanted to post his 'Yul Brynner' mug on my blog, but his increasingly panicked queries as to why I'd taken his photograph while he was having lunch (answer: I felt like it) convinced me to do it in order to torment him.

So these are the assurances I feel he'd ask me to make:

1. Your picture won't end up in an Al-Qaeda database of eligible hostages.
2. I will not photoshop this picture to portray you in any compromising deviant activity (of course, what constitutes deviant is a very subjective call).
3. Taking your photograph will not, in fact, result in the stealing of your soul. No matter what the aborigines say.
4. I will not post your picture on masterandslave.com under the heading 'Is this a face you would like to dominate?'. As a further assurance, your wife will not receive a mysterious email, with a link to said post.
5. I will not create a fake 'Top Ten Most Wanted' FBI poster with your picture on it and hang it at your local post office, where your neighbors can see it and begin to dream of putting their kids through college with that $5 million bounty.

There. I hope you're satisfied, David. You are a very paranoid white man.