Social Masturbation

The last time I hung out with anyone I didn't work with was 2 weeks ago. It's also been around 5 months since I had sex. This sorry state of affairs tells me that my social life is a shambles.

Not that I can really blame anyone else for this. I mean, the list of things which I used to find easy to do has undergone significant shrinkage over the past ten years: dating, exercising, socialising, making connections and even simple friendship are now all a struggle of herculean proportions. I'm also pretty sure I drive people away because I'm moody, demanding and generally unpleasantly sarcastic. Add to this, the absence of family in this country (the very people who have to put up with you, in times like this) and I've got good excuses as to why my social activities have been curtailed.

But excuses are beside the point. The sex thing has been a long time coming: I just can't seem to keep a straight face long enough to seal the deal, with people I meet on a casual basis. As for a meaningful relationship, well good luck finding someone meaningful. Moreover, this isn't the seventies anymore when casual sex was in it's infancy and people did it like it was breathing. I mean, you can't even smoke in a bar anymore and people think this is the way things should be! It's like they want to live forever or something.

People are so afraid of disease and the the sexual impact of the internets has dulled the blade of sexual exploration. It's become a smaller percentage of people's lives thanks to cable TV, the internets, a wave of religious and social uptightness and the ease of acquiring information. I mean, there's no more mystery about people: you meet someone, and you immediately form a pre-conceived notion about them based on a few minutes of talking, if not the moment you lay eyes on them. And nothing gets in the way of casual sex quicker than being introduced to your fuckbuddy. I mean, if knowing someone (or thinking you know them) isn't a mood-killer, I don't know what is.

The internets is, of course, the worst culprit. It's become a substitute experience for many people and God help the younger generations who will be taught that wi-fi (or airport, for you Mac people) is actually their sixth sense. Nobody wants to be reckless and everyone thinks that if they're careful, there's no reason they should die.

Wake up, fools! We can't control shit and you're wasting my time by trying. Just start fucking!

As for friends, well, I've become unbelievably jaded. So many letdowns and so many examples of of friendships gone sour, how can one not be jaded? I've been masturbating since I was 13 years old (probably more than I should) and talking to myself for just as long...but this state of affairs is packed-in-plastic new: I've had more conversations in the past 3 months with myself than I have with people I'm friends with. That old adage about it being the only way to be sure you'll get an intelligent converation aside, it can't be healthy. It's pure social masturbation. Either they live in foreign countries, I've had a fight with them, I've hooked up with them and then had a fight with them, they live here and I still don't hang out with them or in some cases, I met them on the Internets and therefore haven't really met them!

So this is where I am. And just to eliminate any chance of getting by this unfortunate state of affairs, my mind has rebelled against me, by attacking any ideas I have of opening up and letting the world in. All the anxiety and outright breakdown of the past month and a half represents a betrayal by my own brain. It's like when your body's white blood cells attack your own tissue, except this is on a mental plane. Sheer self-sabotage and auto-destruction. It's nihilism...no, even better, it's punk rock, isn't it? Except I'm 30 years too late and too fat to pull it off.

Again, I can't blame anyone but myself. I'm introverted, I think most people are stupid and I gave up my cellphone because I wanted out of the Matrix. And I'm not saying any of this to convince anyone that the world is shit. I mean, if you're happy and not disenfranchised in an 'Ok Computer' kind of way (for all I know, I might be a paranoid android), then you won't relate to any of this stuff and I FUCKING loathe you for being content.

You can't help the way you see the world, junior. We're all victims of our own narrow perception. Which is why I can't get behind religion.

You know, this isn't even Punk Rock. It's Bukowski and Lenny Bruce rolled up into one. And not funny LB either...court-transcript reading LB. The nadir of his career is where I find myself right now.

Where do I go from here?