Wendy's Burn

It's 12:02am, I've had some tea and taken my Lunesta. As I sit here, waiting for the sandman to make his stealthy appearance, I'll bring you up to speed on my last couple of hours.

So far, so....ok. No slidebacks or panic ambushes (attacks seem noble and direct) but a couple of close shaves. I decided I needed to eat something, even though I wasn't hungry (I'm one of those people whom when they work out, don't feel like eating for several hours). I figured some brown rice, brocolli and grilled chicken would do my body (if not my palate) good. Halfway, there and with no provocation, my chest starts quivering and hyperventilation ensues. I Stop in my tracks only to feel in my chest that seismic, spasmic series of convulsions (they sound kind of like 'ha..ha..haaaah...uhhhh...haaa") that you get when you can feel the emotion welling up and I know the sobbing will come next. I hunched over and allowed it to hit me, as my face screwed up in a ball and my entire body started to shake, rather violently I might add.

It lasted no more than twenty seconds, before I eventually regained control. I debated what to do next: go to the Chinese place and pick up my dinner or go home. The compromise was Wendy's, which is closer. There, I picked up a small bowl of Chilis and their baked potato with a little sour cream and sped home.

This little episode, which again came out of nowhere, made me realise how on edge I am. Like I'm almost expecting something to happen. Everything I'm doing now feels very deliberate and cautious. It's like I'm a contestant in one of those races where you're holding a glass of water, filled to the brim, while you run, hoping not to spill. And I am worried that I'll drop some of that water on the floor, so I'm moving as slowly and deliberately as I can.

All of a sudden, a deluge of water lands on my head like a mini-waterfall, leaving me drenched and aware that I've been focused on the wrong body of water.

So, my new question is if apprehension is the new depression, how long will my apprehension last?

Post Scriptum (Before I fall asleep): I spilt some Wendy's Chili on my thigh and it burned like a MOTHERFUCKER. I've poured cold water over it and then added some cream. It still stings but that shock when the chili hit my thigh, stands out in my head, on a phase where everything else treats my brain like it's made of teflon.

Point is? I'm glad that chili thing happened because the physical pain kind of overrided the emotional stuff and now I feel a lot better.

Tomorrow, I'm going to fill the tub with scalding hot Chili and then I'm going to dive in.