Thursday, July 20, 2006

How to win friends and influence booty

Time, I'm convinced, has not engineered my recent bout of clarity. I'm just going through a period where my mind is unusually clear and prescient. And the conclusion that I've reached is that I'm a bigger idiot than even I thought I would be, during my last moment of clarity.

First of all, I get myself into the craziest schemes. From tattoos to ridiculous purchases to visa-marriages. All in the name of alleviating boredom. Boredom, which is self-imposed because I don't trust that people can provide me with inspiration. This exile lasts for several months. Until I get horny or lonely or conclude that I derive even less inspiration from myself than anyone else. So I emerge from my shell and focus on socialisation/ fornication. But my desperation and exile-accentuated diffidence betray me and I can never play it cool. Which scares people away and cements my own feelings that people don't inspire, they conspire. So I withdraw once again and simmer in my own alienation. It's all highly destructive and unstable.

It's that brief moment in time before my second withdrawl (coitus duo interruptus, if you like) that my mind takes on this sage-like prescience, only over my own shambolic life, and I see things a lot clearer. It's because my brain starts moving a lot faster, the side effects of which are good and bad: impulsiveness, difficulty focusing but an amplified ability to think on the fly, increased creativity (you should see some of the lines I've come up with for work; a lot of them aren't useable but they draw from a seriously deep reservoir), impulse shopping, nervous spasms, inability to sit still for two seconds..

Or I could have just told you my mania is back. Which means that in two months, I'm going to be back in the dark throes of depression.

In the meantime, I'm so horny that I have to close my eyes when I'm in an elevator with women. Creepy, isn't it?

Sex, at times like this (meaning this part of my cycle), allows me get rid of that manic energy. The problem is that my brain isn't equipped to go out and solicit it because the rules are you have to play it cool. And there's nothing cool about my demanour right now.

My brain won't slow down and I don't trust myself to be cool. Which means I never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.


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