Zidane's Butt

"Materazzi was one of the evening's heroes, first because he scored the equaliser, then because he provoked Zizou into getting sent off." If there was one place the Fiver wasn't expecting to find Marco Materazzi straight-facedly described as a hero this morning, it was on Zinedine Zidane's official website. So hats off to the cheeky hack who, despite the possibility of copping a severe chestbutting, included that line in his report of last night's World Cup final. Unfortunately, the brazen scribe doesn't give any answers to the question everyone's asking this morning: what did Materazzi say? And if it was so bad, why did Zizou ram his chest rather than smash his face in?

Some have suggested that the Italian insulted Zidane's mother. The Fiver wonders if Materrazi actually claimed to be Zizou's mother, which would explain why the midfielder sought satisfaction in his bosom. But no one really knows. "I imagine that before you committed this irreparable, almost unforgivable act, Materazzi must have said the most terrible things to you, but it was a stupid end to your fabulous career," sermonised L'Equipe editor Claude Droussent in a melodramatic front-page open letter to Zidane. Droussent went on to crucify the fallen idol for sulkily remaining in the dressing room during the penalty shoot-out, and then, as per all sanctimonious sensationalists, wondered if the footballer hadn't dealt a fatal blow to civilisation as we know it: "What legacy have you left our children?" he scolded inevitably. "You must be very unhappy."

Well, yes, Zinedine must be unhappy. But it was the 14th red card of his career, so he's probably used to showering alone. And at least he can console himself with the knowledge that, hilariously, journalists last night voted him player of the tournament. Then again, maybe not: after all, this was the man who outraged one Fifa flunky after the semi-final win over Portugal by simply grabbing his man-of-the-match trophy out of the lackey's hand without saying a single word. "OK, I guess he doesn't give a damn about these things," whined the blazer at the time. Anyone else looking forward to the Golden Ball presentation?