"I'm not getting played like that"

In a sense, I'm clearer today about why the FBI background check for my citizenship hasn't been completed, almost six months after my 'final' interview. And it's not pretty.

I'd filed a query via my congresswoman, Carolyn B. Maloney (the procedure is that only your state senators or your congress person can enquire on your behalf; I didn't hear back from either Schumer or Clinton, while Congresswoman Maloney, whom initially I didn't trust because I didn't like her botox-swollen face, was the only one who responded) to the FBI to find the reason for the delay. They responded today by way of a letter from Assistant Director William L. Hooton of the Records Management Division:

Dear Congresswoman Maloney,

I am responding to your letter dated July 5, 2006, directed to Ms. Eleni Kalisch of our Office of Congressional Affairs, concerning the security check of Mr. MXXXXXXX FXXXX NASSAR.

Notice the correct spelling of my name.

A review of the FBI's Name Check Program database concerning Mr. Nassar revealed that his request was received from the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services on August 25, 2005, under the name of MXXXXXXX FXXXX Nasser, and is currently in a pending status.

Notice the misspelling of my name.

The FBI is sensitive to the impact of delays in processing name checks. At the same time, the consequence of the FBI's mission on homeland security requires that our name check process be primarily focused on an accurate and thorough result. While I cannot give an exact date for the completion of this review, Mr. Nassar

Notice the correct spelling of my name, here

may be assured that the results will be made available to the immigration authorities as quickly as possible.

I trust this information will assist you in responding to your constituent.

Sincerely,


William L. Hooton
Assistant Director
Records Management Division

So what the fuck is going on? The typo 'NASSER' is the same typo the USCIS made when I first applied for naturalization. I corrected it immediately and all subsequent correspondence from them has been using my correct name.

I contacted the Records Management Division and spoke to the person in charge. After much attitude (him) and plenty of counter-attitude (me), the matter became clear:

The incompetent morons at the USCIS had forwarded the incorrect spelling of my name to the FBI on, get this, August 25, 2005. When they corrected it in their systems, they never bothered to correct it with the FBI.

Fuming, I called the USCIS hotline (1-800-375-5283) and spoke to a lackey who was giving me the runaround. I asked for a supervisor and said he couldn't do that and that he was authorized to help me as much as anyone could. I told him I needed someone who could tell his ass from his elbow.

Silence ensued. A full thirty seconds later, he gave me a curt 'Hold on' and transferred me.

I spoke to an empathetic southern lady, who took down my case in painstaking detail and told me she'd filed a correction writ so the USCIS office at Federal Plaza could take steps to correct this unfortunate (egregious would have been my choice of words) error, but she also advised that I make an appointment at Federal Plaza and make the case myself. She asked if there was anything else I wanted to put in the file. I thought for a moment:

"This is the last time I call the USCIS, looking for answers. If I don't get the result I want based on your writ, the next time, it'll be my attorney who serves you with a notice. You guys have jerked me around for almost a year to the day since I applied and you're going to make this right or I'm going to make you pay. I'm not getting played like that."

She wrote it all down!

I am quite enraged (which is saying something, since I've been carrying a fair amount of rage around, for the past two weeks) at the chain-yanking, the bullshit and the thinly-disguised racism I've endured over the past eighteen months, from the USCIS as well as on a personal level from people around me. I've got a choice to make: take a deep breath and try and work through this mess, or maintain my anger and still try and work through the mess. I'm going with option B.

If I go down, I'm going down swinging. My dignity can't take anymore battery and if I don't get the citizenship, I'm telling you right now George W. Tush, Prick Cheney and every last person on this hemmarhoid of a country who thinks they're better than me because they belong to the 'Greatest Nation on Earth', you're not better than anyone and you have as much bullshit and inequality and discrimination and stupidity here as anywhere else.

Oh, and one more thing. I played by your rules and I still got screwed. So here's what you can do:

Kiss.
My.
Smelly.
Brown.
Egyptian.
Ass.