Twist in my Sobriety

Sobriety is severely overrated. As an insomniac, I know what I'm talking about. You see, I'm 35 and I've had sleeping problems since I was 17. A conservative estimate is that I've probably had 25% less sleep than most people. Which means more waking time and more time wrestling with the trials of unrelenting consciousness. It's more time to think about the point of a finite life and the distractions it affords us, as a way to deflect the certain knowledge that we're going to end up dead anyway.

25% more time than most people, wrestling with the comedy of it all. I tell you, with the conviction of experience-my experience, at least:

Sobriety sucks.

The whole awareness thing is really just more trouble than it's worth. Since Sara informed me of her decision not to continue spending time with yours truly, I've spent a lot of time on my own, not moping (thank you very much). I've downloaded a shitload of music, read two and a half books and went to a friend's house for New Year's. I also walked the dog a lot and smoked a ton of pot and drank a river of wine. Today, is the first day in quite a while that I've been completely over the influence, so to speak. And I don't know what to do with myself.

It could be that if there was a reason to be sober, I wouldn't mind it so much, but there isn't. Nothing to do, nowhere to go and even the music and reading I've been doing...it's just not that interesting when you do this much of it.

Best albums of the year:

1. Final Straw (Snow Patrol)
2. The Bravery (The Bravery)
3. Silent Alarm (Bloc Party)
4. Pop Art (Pet Shop Boys)
5. Give Up (The Postal Service)

From those five albums, the best five songs are:

1. Chocolate (Snow Patrol)
2. An Honest Mistake (The Bravery)
3. She's Hearing Voices (Bloc Party)
4. Being Boring (Pet Shop Boys)
5. Such Great Heights (The Postal Service)

Five favorite books of the year:

1. Dogs of God (James Reston Jr.)
2. The God Delusion (Richard Dawkins)
3. The Bronx is Burning (Jonathan Mahler)
4. Selected Letters of Martha Gellhorn (Caroline Moorehead)
5. Over the Edge of the World (Laurence Bergreen)

And that's it. More reading or more listening (or more walking of the dog) doesn't make sobriety any more appealing.

And therein lies the rub. The only other choice I have is to go to work and to go out and socialize afterwards, just to make the day have some kind of deeper meaning and interest.

A deeper meaning and interest...two things that just aren't there right now. Add all the sobriety you want.