Saturday, January 20, 2007

What you get free, costs too much

As usual, I ponder my choices in this life with a mixture of regret and surrender. Should I have fought harder against my parents and not allowed them to pressure me into studying business? Should I have left home immediately after college? Should I have refused to go to Saudi to work? Should I have tried harder with Billy and married her? Should I have fought harder to stay in the UK in 95? Should I have stuck at it harder with some of the quality girls I was with? Rasha? Suzy? Deborah?

Second-guessing myself is a constant in my life, despite knowing on a cerebral level that when faced with any dilema, my choice is always made after much careful consideration. The problem arises because when I get depressed (usually, for no reason at all) and my sinking mood forces me to question my choices. I mean, if I made the right choices for me and I'm this unhappy, how can I be sure they were the right choices? And if they were the right choices and I'm still unhappy, maybe the truth is that I was destined to be miserable and unhappy.

The only thing I can do is wait. I know (though, I have trouble believing) that I make good choices based on my own strengths and limitations. Time bears that out. I know I play smart and decent with a passion and compassion that not many people appreciate about me, which means that I may not always get the support I look for. The support I crave, as a matter of fact.

Yep, I crave support. Along with companionship and affection and friendship. The fact that it's in short supply at this moment in my life (as well as many other moments) is more an indication of my refusal to put up with a situation that doesn't satisfy me. A situation that isn't right for me. Despite the very real possibility that my instincts as to what constitutes things that are right for me, might be damaged beyond any hope of repair.

I don't know if I make the correct decisions for me. But I do know that I make the ones that are right for me. And even if things don't work out for me in the end, I did what I could with what I had.

I'm not happy but I don't see how things could have turned any other way. I have to keep doing what I'm doing and trust there'll be something there for me at the end of it.


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