Monday, October 01, 2007

Indecision may or may not be a problem

So, things are generally better for me, here in England and as usual, the source of this much-needed improvement lies in the mundane: finally got effing BT to give me a phone line, Sky are installing cable TV service tomorrow and Internet by the end of the week. In addition, I've been out a few times and while I can't say I'm totally comfortable with the pace of this place, it's getting there.

Of course, all is not suddenly fresh in the state of Denmark; the core issues that I struggle with are still there and will probably continue to be, seeing as they're themes that have accompanied me throughout most of my adult life: I am almost pathologically inclined to be alone and while I harp on about company, it's always a strain to tolerate people camping in my sphere. In addition, I tend to veer from an almost manic exuberance to a near-paralyzing depression that makes me unable to trust my own reactions at any given time; I feel like my own mind betrays me, and is therefore not to be trusted. I also have discipline and severe trust issues that prohibit me from extending myself and embrace opportunities that come my way, and this in turn translates into a deeply-rooted diffidence that seems to be at odds with the rest of my personality.

But it's not all bad. I also have very good qualities that I tend to overlook, because you only remember the bad things or how lousy you feel. For instance, I'm a very sound thinker with excellent decision-making skills, once I've identified the problem; I seem to acquire friends very easily and combine loyalty with honesty and (some kind of) wit in all my dealings. I'm an individual, unswayed by the prejudices of the mob; I'm selfless to a fault and the things I care about, I care about deeply. I'm also hung like a Trojan horse.

If I were to be completely honest with myself, a lot of my current problems are self-inflicted, though even that isn't an accurate characterization. Eleven years ago, I made several pivotal decisions which have since gone on to shape my life. I've been, at various stages, well-rewarded for these decisions but I've also come to rue them for different reasons. And anytime you make some tough calls, you're always going to wonder about where you'd be if you made different calls.

I guess that's because despite what religion, parents and politicians tell you, there is no good or bad (there's evil, but that's a different discussion): there are choices and all good choices have plenty of bad in them and even appalling decisions aren't without their rewarding moments. I made some choices, foremost among them the decision to sell out and try and make it professionally and, while my success has been on a modest scale, it's been a success, according to the strictest definition of the word: setting objectives and meeting them.

Maybe, my problem isn't making wrong decisions at all. Perhaps, it's that I'm at a point where old objectives are no longer cutting it and new ones need to come in and freshen the place up. Out with the old and in with the new, and while it's at it, the new needs to be more carefully thought out than in the past: I was 25 when I made those decisions and had the luxury of 'all-the-time-in-the-world'. It's different at 36, the risk-analysis is different and, hell, even my priorities are different.

It's a new day.


Blogger TeacherLady said...

I want to see you respond to questions at a speed dating event... I imagined your post as a response to "how're you?" :)

8:29 AM  
Blogger Basil Fawlty said...

That cracked me up, Teacherlady:) Take it one step further: what if people's offline personalities mirrored their blog personalities.

I think we just cracked how to make SNL funny again..

9:01 AM  
Blogger inmotion said...

The issues that you're trying to come to terms with even though they are from a male perspective are very similiar to what I've been trying to figure out myself for myself .. I've just gone a bit further and asked myself what if I wasn't me and it was someone else that had made those decisions .. I don't know if that makes sense but hell not much makes sense if you realy think about it .. I came across this blog while reading someone else's .. The time wasted on that blog to get to this link was worth it ..

Its a shame you aren't on anymore to answer or respond

5:12 AM  

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