On not going blind or growing hair on your hands

So anytime a guy tells you he doesn't jerk off, know that he's lying through the skin of his teeth. It's as fundamental a law of male anthropology as, say, gravity is to physics. IT is right there-I mean, it's right there, 24/7 with no time off, no 'honey, I've got a headache', no 'I can't find protection', none of that shit. It's a cure for insomnia (ok, well, it doesn't hurt), it's an anti-anxiety exercise, it's a porn movie playing in your brain. Denying it is a feeble attempt at selling you into the illusion that the guy isn't just about getting in your pants.

Except me. I'm the only guy you should believe when I tell you I haven't jerked off in, oh, I don't know, 3 months??!? Not because I'm a superior being (I'm not-I'm plankton), not because I have an elevated mind (it's not-it's positively gutter-like)...it's because the truth is more humiliating and possibly more insulting than anything I can try and pass myself off to be. Quite simply, I've lost the ability to get myself off. I loathe myself so much that the thought of being touched by me is like a den of spiders under your 320 thread count sheets. Not because I'm a bad person or some kind of social or sexual incompetent, that I can't stand myself, no. The truth is, because I think I'm such hot shit, the reality of my life is so not what I think I deserve that I have completely and utterly repulsed myself beyond human recognition. I've under-achieved and I resent my own contribution to this sorry state of affairs.

Even fantasies don't work. Which makes sense because the problem isn't what Chasey Lain can bring to the table, but what I can. I've got all the tools but I...just...can't...get...my...shit...together.

Do you think I'm exaggerating? Consider this:

I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING JERK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!