Monday, June 26, 2006

This World Cup has been lacking one essential ingredient: drama. That moment of magic. On the other hand, I heard the best nickname for a player ever: Germany left-back, Philip Lahm, was dubbed "The Magic Dwarf", by the best-selling Bild daily. I wish I could be dubbed that!

Last night's WWE clash between Portugal and a Holland Divers XI was outrageous for many reasons. Firstly, there was the referee, who was so at sea he should have had an anchor tattooed on his forearm and a parrot perched on his shoulder. Secondly, there was the disgusting performance of Arjen Robben, the worst Dutch actor since the firewall-unfriendly Dick van Dyke. Then there was Marco van Basten, who stubbornly persisted with the laughably inept 'striker' Dirk Kuyt as Ruud van Nistelrooy stood stewing in his own bile on the sidelines.

On the plus side for England fans, all those cards waved at Portugueezers means their team gets to continue the flukiest run of fixtures since Ronald Reagan was ordered by his CIA bosses to pick only on the likes of mighty Granada and Nicaragua. After qualifying from the worst group in Europe, Sven's spawny gits were drawn in the worst group in the World Cup, then met the worst team in the last 16 and are now set to face a Portugal outfit handicapped by the loss of no less than 47 players through suspension.

Happily for all those who believe a team should face at least one half-decent opponent before being eliminated in the World Cup semi-final, news broke today that Luis Figo will be free to dribble past David Beckham's vomit next Saturday. It seems Fifa, like Big Phil, believes the midfielder's headbutt on Mark van Bommel was righteous revenge for constant Dutch playacting.

"Jesus Christ says 'turn the other cheek', but Figo is not Jesus Christ," revealed Scolari. Fifa's explanation was more mundane: "The referee's [five-volume] report is being analysed but it's very unlikely anything will happen as he got a yellow card at the time," droned a suit, between bites. "It's only where there is a clear disciplinary issue which has not been acted upon by the referee that the [disciplinary] committee can look at it." Never mind; given that even John Terry took a couple of dives yesterday, Figo will probably see red early on against England.


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