The science of self-esteem

So a mixed week for me, by all regards, starting with my decision to quit my job (handed in notice on Tuesday) and possibly accepting an offer from a pharmaceutical advertising agency (Pharma is a glaring gap in my copywriting portfolio, along with decent interactive work). The thing's not done and dusted yet, as I'm considering the merits of freelancing, for a while (pros: they pay $375 a day, after tax, working on my own schedule, no office politics bullshit). Since I'm still considering that move to the UK, it's hard to commit to anything long-term. I have until Monday to decide.

That was the good news, I suppose. The bad news is that I was stood up yesterday by this girl that I had been "seeing" (it's in quotes because she's busy and I've only spent time with her twice, in around two weeks) and another one today who was supposed to fly in from Michigan. Yesterday's girl (both in a literal and figurative sense) is from Boston (will I never learn?), works as a comedian and documents her dramatic 90 pound weight loss on her Myspace profile. She's sweet, smart and I liked her as a person...until she flaked. We were supposed to see a movie together (The Departed) and she had asked for an early meet because she didn't want to be out late. So that meant there was only time for the movie; no talking, no coffee, no "getting to know you" and-wait for it-no sexual activity of any kind. Basically, I've had better movie dates with people sitting next to me I didn't even know. Cut a long story even longer, she called an hour before to say that she was still stuck on I-95 traffic, coming from Boston to NY. She was very apologetic but I wasn't in a buying mood.

I texted back saying a raincheck was fine and she should call me when she's back in town, next week. I was clearly very cool about the whole thing which has, possibly, set the tone for the balance of our "relationship". I don't like flakiness and I don't respect weakness and over-apology, which is what I got from her.

As a result, my ardor for her has cooled, distinctly. Which is problematic because I'm someone who is stirred by a limited supply of passion. If it's there, I'm all about it. If it isn't, I'm not even there when we're together. It's brutal, but that's how I am.

She tried to schedule a hurried dinner tomorrow night, but I said no. A. I hate to hurry my dinners, B. I only hurry dinner with my parents and C. I had that girl from Michigan flying in.

Or not.

The second girl is kind of an interesting story. She's from Michigan, as I mentioned, 22, white and cute as a button. We met online and seemed to have a rapport (I never use the word chemistry online; it's so misleading; you never get a true feel for someone's vibe until you hang out with them in person). She was all primed to come visit this weekend (staying with her sister in Brooklyn) when...radio silence for the past four days. I emailed, called, tried to IM, emailed again, called again and (as Max Reali would say) Squadootch. At this point, I'm convinced she's either been kidnapped and locked in some pervert's basement (before you ask, I happen to be a pervert who doesn't own a basement) or just decided not to come and didn't have the balls to tell me. An absence of character is another thing I just can't deal with.

So between a cooling of ardor for one girl and a powerful disdain for another, I now have no plans for the weekend and plenty of hate for New York and all the women who live in it. What I don't have is a dent to my self-esteem. Which is the point of this post..

Self-esteem is a funny old thing. I believe it's all in how your parents raise you. I have friends whose parents have consistently told them from day one (seriously, they came out of the womb, to a round of applause) that they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. As a result, underneath all the baggage they pick up from life, this message resonates and endures and they believe it, 110%. They're also major pricks, but that's another story.

From day one, I was told how ineffective, useless, lazy, stupid, ungrateful and, oh yes, dirty as well. I believed it too until I turned 25, and it probably was why I got into so much trouble as a youngster. At 25, I decided that if I was really that bad, I didn't have anything to lose and might as well have some fun, until I go to hell.

So, my self-esteem is what I refer to as constructed. It's not a natural instinct for me, I had to learn it and pretend that it was natural, so I wouldn't get taken advantage of. I have a tendency to blame myself first, until it dawned on me that I was the only person doing that. And when you blame yourself, it sets the tone for others to do the same. Whether you're right or wrong, you have to defend yourself, even if you have to go on the offence to do it. In that sense, you have to be your own lawyer: obligated to defend yourself, regardless of guilt or innocence.

Despite knowing my way around self-esteem, I've never been comfortable with it, because it wasn't mine. It's like the curator of the Louvre who stares at the Mona Lisa all day and could probably come up with a fairly decent reproduction that would fool most people. It's still not the real thing and he knows it.

That said, it's quite amazing how much more comfortable I've become with myself over the past 4, 5, 6 years. I tell people it's part of turning 30-and it is, for me- but others manage it earlier, still others find it later and plenty of people never find it. While my self-esteem is still not a seamless part of my personality, I'm definitely at the point where I don't have to man the controls at all times. I'm comfortable putting it all on auto-pilot and letting my self-esteem take us in for the landing.

If any of this had happened 5 years ago, I would have had a meltdown: rage, self-loathing, isolation and pointing fingers at myself. I still point fingers: middle finger, upwards and it's liberating. True, I still kinda hate myself. But at least this time, it's for things that I know I suck at. Now, the default position is not 'hate thyself'; rather 'judge thyself but be fair about it and for goodness sake, cut yourself some slack because nobody else will'.

I know I have things to offer. To myself, mostly, but who cares? I'm relaxed about life and confident that there are people out there, who can replace a girl from Boston and a girl from Michigan, since they're silly enough to pass up spending time with Mr. Sliced Bread. Right now, all I want is to go home, order Thai for Ramadan breakfast, drink some wine (ok, ok, I know I'm not supposed to drink), watch "Art School Confidential" and possibly go to a bar in Ditmars.

Not a bad way to spend a Friday night, don't you think?