Monday, October 30, 2006

Rules are for ugly people (part 2)

Originally, I was going to call this post "Religion is for ugly people" but I thought that would cause too much controversey. What inspired that name was a woman on the subway platform, handing out 'Embrace Jesus' brochures to passersby. The only exception was if a good-looking man or woman walked by her, she would ignore them and not bother trying to hand them a brochure. A dimmer bulb than me would deduce that religion is, indeed, for ugly people but seeing as I'm an avid fan of subtlety, I have a different explanation: pretty people are harder to convert. What's the appeal of selling good times in the afterlife when you're the star of this life right here? And rather than try, she had a feeling she'd be up against it with people who have looks.

For the record, she took one look at me and gave me two brochures...the old bag. I guess if religion is for ugly people, I can expect to become the next pope.

But I digress. The second half of my day was tepid and uninspired: I've been ignored by my supervisors and I hate my new cube (the fact that it IS a cube, not an office, and even as a cube, it's decrepit, poorly-lit and with very little porn-shuei-my back faces a busy corridor, so everyone can see my screen). The IT guy was painfully unfunny (yet singularly unaware of this fact) and the benefits lady looked like she hadn't been to the doctor's in a decade.

I'm aware that the only thing that I hate more than change is the fact that I hate change, which would account for why I torture myself by inflicting more and more change on myself, in a pathetic bid to prove that change doesn't bother me.

Still with me? Well, take this then: I'm on the tail end of a confidence power-surge which is due to expire any day now. It's coinciding with a period where my motivation to define, much less accomplish, new directives is at a low ebb. This has been going on since I got my citizenship and it's an all too familiar strain of mania: my energy is off the charts high, my muscles spasm involuntarily and I can't sleep to save my life. Part of it is the underwhelming feeling you get when you achieve a major life goal that you didn't think you'd ever do (in my case, the citizenship thing). So much so, that I'm not quite sure what to do with the rest of my life, because I never planned for life post-citizenship. I simply didn't think I would need to, which is clearly a mistake. This has exacerbated my usual mania to a point of almost unbearable anxiety and compulsion to move, think, talk, laugh and (*sigh*) buy shit I don't need.

Which brings us to the other side of the coin: once the mania goes away (and I know, in the pit of my stomach, that it's going away soon), the depression that washes over me to replace it, will be pretty substantial. I know this because my depression is almost always inversely proportional to the heights of mania I had reached...and this year's has been higher than usual. It's scaring me because I know I won't be able to cope with it. The older I get, the weaker I feel on the inside, while the outside keeps getting stronger, tougher and more belligerent. It's a sign that changes need to be made and I'm going to have to spend some time carefully considering what that change is going to need to be.

Major change isn't the ideal thing to have on your mind, the first day of a new job.


Anonymous lynn said...

Religion isn't just for ugly people. It is for people with low self esteem. Those are the best targets!

Did you ever consider seeing someone about that manic-depression? There is treatment you know.

7:05 AM  
Blogger Basil Fawlty said...

Not really. I got no esteem for myself and I ain't religious! Anyways, the 'religion for ugly people' was more of a joke. I don't know who religion is for; I can't blame anyone who embraces religion nor can I denounce anyone who rejects it.

No doctors or medication: been down that route and it absolutely does NOT work, despite what you may have heard. And I'd rather fuck up my own self than have someone else do it. Besides, it's been going on for so long, I almost don't know any other way. Finally, what if I do get cured and it becomes apparent that the reasons I'm fucked up are NOT the manic depression at all. But other, more central flaws in my make-up.

*shudder*. I couldn't live with that - I'd rather go on blaming the manic depression..

9:32 AM  
Blogger Cowtown girl said...

I hardly know enough about you or this manic depression you think you suffer from. But has it been a long time since you last got laid?! I say this only very slightly, jokingly.

2:53 PM  
Blogger Basil Fawlty said...

Hmmmm...not sure where you drew that connection but I'll bite: this past Sunday.

Are you trying to say that I need to get laid?

3:09 PM  
Blogger Cowtown girl said...

very well then, i couldnt help but think, as i read the latter part of your post, that getting laid might help you snap out of your depressed state. But i underestimate how powerful depression can be in some cases.

1:12 PM  
Blogger Basil Fawlty said...

This is going to sound contradictory, but you shouldn't read too much into my posts; I try and infuse some levity to anything that I say (or do) and sometimes that makes things sound more dire (and in other cases, more trivial) than they really are. Think of it as dramatic license.

I appreciate your thoughts, suggestions, input and commentary but my life isn't sucky at all.

1:50 PM  

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